You Can Build a Bear but You Can’t Build A Husband
A Warning to all women who are losing their time trying to construct the “Perfect Man”!:
I urge you, nay compel to re-evaluate your purpose. Stop and think, then ask yourself “am I in the process of making one of life’s biggest compromises, am I about to settle for someone who I am not really meant to be with”? If you’re a woman and you’re reading this I want you to take an honest look back at your dating history. Now can you honestly mark those moments where you were ever guilty of trying to make “it” work with a man at any cost, all in the name of love? If your answer to that was NO, well then I want you to get the hell off this site because you’re a liar and I don’t have time to waste with those.
But if you’re a woman worth her salt then by all means please stay and read, because I’m sure if you have ever encountered that guy; the one who makes your heart beat at a resting rate of 124, the one who you find yourself thinking about endlessly. You know the one, who makes you rearrange your entire life map of where you just knew you were going to go and who you wanted to be, but you suddenly realized that, hey he could be the one worth putting things on hold for; you know that ONE? Well I’m here to ask you, to ever so slightly impress upon you to take a pause and then ask yourself; that is if you haven’t already taken the big leap and made that big time commitment into marital (bliss?), but if you haven’t but you’re seriously dating ask yourself is this really really the “MAN” who I am meant to spend the rest of my life with, or am I about to commit the ritual of “building a husband” to fit an image that I believe should match that of “the one”?
Ladies, as a woman of a certain age (of course you don’t need to know what that is…I mean really), I have come to the realization that as women we tend to enter into relationships with these preconceived notions of how we expect men to be. We ourselves expect to be treated a certain way, as we should. We expect him to look a certain way, have a certain pay, and smell better than anything walking on two legs. We pray that his kiss will knock us off our feet and that what will be between his legs will not only be good but will work to fulfill our every desire.
From the moment that we become aware of this opposite sex we start trying to analyze it, make sense of it, avoid the behaviors that don’t only to brush those off as stupid, sophomoric, useless behaviors; and while sometimes it is just plain fact, their behavior can be useless, and sophomoric, it can also be argued that what is often dismissed by us may be the very thing that we need to understand at an even deeper level, and could quite possibly be the catalyst that will help bring us to fully connecting with this other person.
I’m sure by now if you’ve spent any significant amount of time around men then there are some traits that we can agree are innately male specific. There are inevitable behaviors, habits etc… that will ultimately serve to piss us off and force us to access every ounce of long-suffering that we have ever stored up, and this will happen now matter who the guy turns out to be. What I am reaching for by reaching out to you is in trying to make you aware of being able to identify if the guy who you may be with is really “the one” or are you forcing him to be “the one”?
We all have short comings that can be worked with, but are everyone’s short comings worth working? More specifically the guy who has met you right at that moment in your life where you are just ready, ready more now than ever to enter the next level from traveling the world alone and entering into the world as an us; is he who is in front of you right now, the one you should be sticking it out for? Most guys come with this innate relationship pause button, that allows them to not only reassess their current relationship situation before taking the deep dive, but to a fault even hinders them at times from following their hearts when making the right decisions on love. In short we follow our hearts, they follow their heads (but it’s often the small one, you know the one down there). What we need is a balance between heart, and little head 😉 I believe that it is a great ability that men have in being able to separate the love that they know they feel for a woman and weigh that against anything else in order to truly say that this is in fact the right person for me. I believe that somewhere in there they know that there is no such person as the “perfect mate”. That ultimately whoever you end up with that much prayer, GOD, work, understanding, love, patience, consoling, therapy, sex, separate vacations, vodka etc… will be needed in order to make the long-term work with any other human being, but they are skilled at the relational pause button. Or wait maybe they pause because they don’t know that work is involved and they are thinking that there is a “perfect person”, someone who will require absolutely no work at all.
Hey it could also be possible that I am giving the men way too much credit and it’s just their uncanny ability to stay paralyzed in scared shitlessness to make a move towards marital commitment in order to even think about sharing their uneventful lives with another person. But at least this much we know, that when they ask you for your hand in marriage, we can safely say we know they’ve thought it out right?
Ladies I just want us to have that same kind of quality control over the decision to choose our mate, as to simply spare us the inevitable disappointment grief and anguish that will come as a result of not pressing the relationship pause button. Now I know, I know that we have biological clocks ticking louder than the damn Macy’s Day parade, but this is your life we’re talking about.
Look at him now, right at the stage where you’ve met him, not looking at him with futuristic star gazed eyes, but with those present tense, reality goggles. See him for who he is right now, not his promise. Do you think that if you can’t tolerate “Mike” with his football watching, beer guzzling, crotch scratching, unromantic, unsympathetic self now that you will be able to couple that man with a needy baby that you just gave birth to, your scenario will honestly play out in your favor down the road? Sorry, sadly the answer to that is HELL NO! We haven’t even gotten to the meat of life yet, that being the potential for unemployment, deep financial strains, extended relatives pulling on you for help, your dreams, his dreams and every dream in between. No sex, the expectation of sex, more children as a result of the sex. I’m not a Debbie downer on making it work, or sticking by a persons side through the rough times or in even seeing better for a person than they may even see for themselves, but I am a realist. I do believe that when a person shows you who they are, who they really are, PAY ATTENTION! Ask yourself can I live with this, is this the long-term life I want for myself?
**As women we have in us an innate ability to create fantasy. As girls we use inanimate objects to live out our fantasies toward love and relationships. We have no problems pretending that a doll is a man and that he will be able to act out our expectations for fulfillment towards our Barbie (us), it’s just what we do. We have a hard time, I believe growing out of that, and learning that “Tyrone” is not always Ken to our Barbie inside of our Barbie fantasy home. As women we have a hard time putting away the toys it’s just now Ken will take on a much different shape (if you know what I mean) 🙂
Of course I’m not saying that this is right or wrong. I’m just merely pointing out that it is what it is, and subsequently he is who he is. If when you met this guy he was a party guy, liked to drink a lot, like to hang in bars and showed no real signs of resembling anything remotely that of a responsible Father then why in the hell would you expect that just because you got pregnant “Tyrone, James, Rick, Bobby” or whoever would ever do a complete 180 and all of a sudden become “the one”? He won’t and you don’t possess the magic “stuff” that will turn it all around for him. Know what you’re working with, and know that if he is to become more that he has to want it more for himself more than you ever will.
To avoid some of the relationship pitfalls we must learn to adapt the practice of self-actualization, because while “James” may not be wrong for his drinking all night, he may not be “right” for you, but you must know that you don’t like those qualities in a man first. Know yourself first (“To Thy Self Be True”: Shakespeare) . Bring out your best qualities so that when you do meet “the one” worth working with you’ll be able to see his best and you won’t accept anything less.
I believe as women we posses great mysterious power over most men. But one of the most powerful weapons we have is our intuition and our push for intimacy. Intimacy is after all our way of seeing into another person. So use it to take that closer look into yourself and into the person who you want to settle for. Do that relationship pause ask yourself those questions, and hopefully in the end you’ll get what you’re looking for… And hopefully it will prevent you from going down the wrong road…
Remember ladies when we use our light the right way we can lead the world, don’t ever compromise and never except less than the best because that’s what we give, our best.